2008 Woodie Awards
How to Fly Solo While Others Ride Cupid's Arrow
Dan Mustaro, Staff Writer
Issue date: 2/12/08 Section: Opinion
As loving couples devour sweet candy, rich chocolate and each other this Valentine's Day, it will be hard to ignore the fact that Cupid's arrow has yet again managed to dodge your lonely heart. But don't throw a pity party for yourself just yet! With this inspiring feel good guide you'll have a wonderful opportunity to fall in love with your free agent status. But first it's important to present an incredibly stereotypical and downright offensive analysis of the sexes for the noble purpose of self-esteem development.
If you're a guy, just think of all the money you are going to save! No chocolates. No greeting cards. No flowers. No fancy dinners. After all, you would have probably screwed things up anyway. Despite your dedicated efforts, harsh complaints would likely be unavoidable. Maybe if she wasn't always rambling away, it might be easier to remember one of the 15 times she told you what she actually liked. Leave it to your attached buddies to blindly guess like a bewildered "Price Is Right" contestant. Luckily, you're off the hook!
If you're a girl, just think of all the disappointment you are going to be spared! Did that cheapo really expect you to be swept off your feet by awful tasting chocolates, a generic, homemade greeting card, yellow poppies (is he trying to swoon you or open an Opium Den?) and dinner at Denny's? Puh-lease. And although you may not always show it based upon attire, you do have standards. Oh well, even if Mr. Would-like-to-be-Charming had done all the right things, it's debatable whether 10 seconds of something followed by heavy snoring would have been worth it anyway. Whatever happened to the concept of "ladies first"?
By this point, you should be feeling good - your self-esteem should be through the roof and you should be ready to explore all Valentine's Day has to offer with one of the two spectacular Valentine's Day challenges.
Challenge 1: Romantic Restaurant Romp!
Ask a random person on the street to make sweet, passionate love to you behind an Applebee's dumpster. Okay, I know what you're thinking - but the fact is, it's not that cold outside, and you will have your newfound "stranger soul mate" to warm your heart. However, if temperatures do drop below freezing, consider burning some garbage in lieu of vanilla-strawberry scented candles. The aroma may not exactly set the mood, but the passion - much like the noxious cloud of toxic waste you've just irresponsibly created - will be breathtaking.
If you're a guy, just think of all the money you are going to save! No chocolates. No greeting cards. No flowers. No fancy dinners. After all, you would have probably screwed things up anyway. Despite your dedicated efforts, harsh complaints would likely be unavoidable. Maybe if she wasn't always rambling away, it might be easier to remember one of the 15 times she told you what she actually liked. Leave it to your attached buddies to blindly guess like a bewildered "Price Is Right" contestant. Luckily, you're off the hook!
If you're a girl, just think of all the disappointment you are going to be spared! Did that cheapo really expect you to be swept off your feet by awful tasting chocolates, a generic, homemade greeting card, yellow poppies (is he trying to swoon you or open an Opium Den?) and dinner at Denny's? Puh-lease. And although you may not always show it based upon attire, you do have standards. Oh well, even if Mr. Would-like-to-be-Charming had done all the right things, it's debatable whether 10 seconds of something followed by heavy snoring would have been worth it anyway. Whatever happened to the concept of "ladies first"?
By this point, you should be feeling good - your self-esteem should be through the roof and you should be ready to explore all Valentine's Day has to offer with one of the two spectacular Valentine's Day challenges.
Challenge 1: Romantic Restaurant Romp!
Ask a random person on the street to make sweet, passionate love to you behind an Applebee's dumpster. Okay, I know what you're thinking - but the fact is, it's not that cold outside, and you will have your newfound "stranger soul mate" to warm your heart. However, if temperatures do drop below freezing, consider burning some garbage in lieu of vanilla-strawberry scented candles. The aroma may not exactly set the mood, but the passion - much like the noxious cloud of toxic waste you've just irresponsibly created - will be breathtaking.