2008 Woodie Awards
Stress Free is the Way to Be
Dan Mustaro
Issue date: 2/19/08 Section: Opinion
As the pressures of school, work, traffic, and Richard Simmons infomercials threaten to destroy the serenity of daily life, it's important to look past your current coping techniques to stress. While throwing eggs at city buses, littering at nature sanctuaries, and stalking random people are all perfectly acceptable methods of clean fun and wholesome relaxation, they pose a major problem. Such activities simply take too much time and effort.
But have no fear, with this handy guide, you'll be able to relax and enjoy your day without spending time at Rush Limbaugh's unofficial prescription drug depot and resort.
"Turn that frown upside down!" Although that phrase frequently creates strong desires to perform a non-medically supervised surprise kidney removal on the obnoxious advice giver, there is some believable scientific data to indicate that smiling improves immune system functioning while promoting an overall sense of well being.
(Editor: Due to supposed "time constraints" - aka laziness - the author failed to actually cite the study, because, after eight long years of undergraduate study, he still finds MLA format, along with life in general, extremely confusing.)
But despite health advantages, I know some of you feel guilty about smiling in the wake of such extensive worldwide devastation - war, environmental disaster, and of course, Miss Britney Spears. To begin with, a smile lets other people know that you have teeth. Since teeth increase your chance of being offered a stick of sugary gum and, as we all know, chewing sugary gum is a well known ticket to the happy train express - or the dentist.
However, one caveat is that the smile should be absolutely genuine and blossom from a positive event - such as watching as a small child cry profusely after clumsily dropping his uneaten ice-cream cone in his lap. (Makes you wonder and second guess whether kids really are that smart.)
So now that you're smiling, or simply confused in what direction this sub-par article is going to transition to next, it's time to discuss another important stress reduction technique - ignoring your responsibilities and commitments to yourself and others. That's right.
Forget paying your bills, returning phone calls, or showing up to work or school. Because if you think about it, those activities take up a lot of time and you could be doing less stressful activities.
At first this may not sound like a great idea, but I assure you it's the pathway to personal freedom. Without friends, a job, or bank balance, you can began to experience the joy (and by joy I mean sheer and utter terror) of hitchhiking across the United States. Sure, they'll be a couple of close calls involving lonely long haul truckers across the way, but if you can keep your hormones in check, you'll get to experience the finest rest stops America has to offer.
But have no fear, with this handy guide, you'll be able to relax and enjoy your day without spending time at Rush Limbaugh's unofficial prescription drug depot and resort.
"Turn that frown upside down!" Although that phrase frequently creates strong desires to perform a non-medically supervised surprise kidney removal on the obnoxious advice giver, there is some believable scientific data to indicate that smiling improves immune system functioning while promoting an overall sense of well being.
(Editor: Due to supposed "time constraints" - aka laziness - the author failed to actually cite the study, because, after eight long years of undergraduate study, he still finds MLA format, along with life in general, extremely confusing.)
But despite health advantages, I know some of you feel guilty about smiling in the wake of such extensive worldwide devastation - war, environmental disaster, and of course, Miss Britney Spears. To begin with, a smile lets other people know that you have teeth. Since teeth increase your chance of being offered a stick of sugary gum and, as we all know, chewing sugary gum is a well known ticket to the happy train express - or the dentist.
However, one caveat is that the smile should be absolutely genuine and blossom from a positive event - such as watching as a small child cry profusely after clumsily dropping his uneaten ice-cream cone in his lap. (Makes you wonder and second guess whether kids really are that smart.)
So now that you're smiling, or simply confused in what direction this sub-par article is going to transition to next, it's time to discuss another important stress reduction technique - ignoring your responsibilities and commitments to yourself and others. That's right.
Forget paying your bills, returning phone calls, or showing up to work or school. Because if you think about it, those activities take up a lot of time and you could be doing less stressful activities.
At first this may not sound like a great idea, but I assure you it's the pathway to personal freedom. Without friends, a job, or bank balance, you can began to experience the joy (and by joy I mean sheer and utter terror) of hitchhiking across the United States. Sure, they'll be a couple of close calls involving lonely long haul truckers across the way, but if you can keep your hormones in check, you'll get to experience the finest rest stops America has to offer.