2008 Woodie Awards
No obligation dating advice
Frequently asked questions when interested in a date
Dan Mustaro
Issue date: 3/18/08 Section: Opinion
Q: How do I ask someone out?
A: While it sounds difficult, maintaining eye contact for three seconds and asking "Would you like to go out for coffee?" is actually not that difficult. Because besides being humiliated forever, having everyone think you're a total loser, and destroying what was almost certainly your only chance of ever being loved, what have you got to lose?
And yes guys, while it's absolutely fine for the girl to ask you out, it is typically your responsibility to ask the girl out. You like to brag about how low they swing, so why not step up to the plate?
Remember that equal rights don't apply to any endeavor that could risk embarrassment, damage self-esteem, or lead to excessive financial loss.
But hate mail inducing misogyny aside, why waste precious time pining after someone who couldn't care less if you were hit by a bus? Save wishful thinking for where it truly belongs, imagining you are any character from the delightful Harry Potter series.
Q: How do I gain the upper hand?
A: Always, always, always be the first to end any communication. Always have something "important" to do and let the other person know that a network TV show, amateur hip-hop poetry competition, and/or making the Subway "After 5" Special is critically important. And no, don't even DREAM of inviting them along - that would send all the wrong signals.
Be a flake. While it sounds bad, being a flake is actually a very powerful tool if used correctly. Being a flake means any variation of not calling or not showing up to a date. Don't even bother making up an excuse. Let the other person guess why they're not worthy of your attention.
Because let's face it, there's no possible way the other person - who's taking 16 units at school, tending to a sick parent, working two jobs, and completing an internship - might value their free time or *gasp* possibly know other people who might enjoy their company enough to follow through with a commitment.
A: While it sounds difficult, maintaining eye contact for three seconds and asking "Would you like to go out for coffee?" is actually not that difficult. Because besides being humiliated forever, having everyone think you're a total loser, and destroying what was almost certainly your only chance of ever being loved, what have you got to lose?
And yes guys, while it's absolutely fine for the girl to ask you out, it is typically your responsibility to ask the girl out. You like to brag about how low they swing, so why not step up to the plate?
Remember that equal rights don't apply to any endeavor that could risk embarrassment, damage self-esteem, or lead to excessive financial loss.
But hate mail inducing misogyny aside, why waste precious time pining after someone who couldn't care less if you were hit by a bus? Save wishful thinking for where it truly belongs, imagining you are any character from the delightful Harry Potter series.
Q: How do I gain the upper hand?
A: Always, always, always be the first to end any communication. Always have something "important" to do and let the other person know that a network TV show, amateur hip-hop poetry competition, and/or making the Subway "After 5" Special is critically important. And no, don't even DREAM of inviting them along - that would send all the wrong signals.
Be a flake. While it sounds bad, being a flake is actually a very powerful tool if used correctly. Being a flake means any variation of not calling or not showing up to a date. Don't even bother making up an excuse. Let the other person guess why they're not worthy of your attention.
Because let's face it, there's no possible way the other person - who's taking 16 units at school, tending to a sick parent, working two jobs, and completing an internship - might value their free time or *gasp* possibly know other people who might enjoy their company enough to follow through with a commitment.
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