2008 Woodie Awards
That was awkward!
Dan Mustaro
Issue date: 4/15/08 Section: Opinion
Like that time you saw your best friend's sister naked and knew you were in love, awkward situations frequently present themselves when we least expect them. Unfortunately, such situations rarely lead to hot and steamy romance years later in the Subway restroom.
Fortunately, the following "how to" guide describes the absolute best solutions to the most common awkward situations many of us find ourselves in amidst the daily dose of depression, misery and heartbreak many call everyday life.
Situation: "Bait & Switch"
This situation frequently involves running into someone you really didn't want to see when you're in a big hurry. The way it works is that the person in question - like a fisherman sporting an un-sports-men- like trick lure - will bait you with some kind of introductory query like "So good to see you! What have you been up to?" But before you can answer, the elusive angler rapidly moves into a lengthy monologue detailing how their brothers' fiancées' nephews' half-cousin twice removed is coping without Bubba after his recent release from state prison.
So you stand there - angrily cursing yourself for having boarded the awful politeness train of reserved silence destined to slowly chug to the town of painfully boring-ville. You earnestly try to feign interest as you bite your tongue in a desperate attempt to prevent your inner god-fearing demon from dropping to your knees, thrusting your hands hopelessly towards the ceiling, and screaming, "TAKE ME NOW JESUS! TAKE ME!"
Solution: This situation is hopeless. Pray that an earthquake collapses a pillar of concrete on you or that a shoplifter sets off a siren long enough for you to escape via a headfirst dive through the nearest window.
Situation: "Sticky Situation"
This situation involves walking in on someone - usually, but not always, a male - as they attempt to fiercely relieve the pent up pressures of the day with a visual aid known to many as the weekly Macy's ad. In the best case scenario the "ad viewer" is so preoccupied they don't notice your presence but unfortunately, this rarely happens.
Fortunately, the following "how to" guide describes the absolute best solutions to the most common awkward situations many of us find ourselves in amidst the daily dose of depression, misery and heartbreak many call everyday life.
Situation: "Bait & Switch"
This situation frequently involves running into someone you really didn't want to see when you're in a big hurry. The way it works is that the person in question - like a fisherman sporting an un-sports-men- like trick lure - will bait you with some kind of introductory query like "So good to see you! What have you been up to?" But before you can answer, the elusive angler rapidly moves into a lengthy monologue detailing how their brothers' fiancées' nephews' half-cousin twice removed is coping without Bubba after his recent release from state prison.
So you stand there - angrily cursing yourself for having boarded the awful politeness train of reserved silence destined to slowly chug to the town of painfully boring-ville. You earnestly try to feign interest as you bite your tongue in a desperate attempt to prevent your inner god-fearing demon from dropping to your knees, thrusting your hands hopelessly towards the ceiling, and screaming, "TAKE ME NOW JESUS! TAKE ME!"
Solution: This situation is hopeless. Pray that an earthquake collapses a pillar of concrete on you or that a shoplifter sets off a siren long enough for you to escape via a headfirst dive through the nearest window.
Situation: "Sticky Situation"
This situation involves walking in on someone - usually, but not always, a male - as they attempt to fiercely relieve the pent up pressures of the day with a visual aid known to many as the weekly Macy's ad. In the best case scenario the "ad viewer" is so preoccupied they don't notice your presence but unfortunately, this rarely happens.
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