Tinder drives man to change his age

In this day and age, we have been able to get more creative than ever before with identification and labels by claiming certainties are really just fluid constructs. 

Dutch “positivity guru” Emile Ratelband has begun a quest to legally turn back time and change his age (69) to match his physical standing, which Ratelband says doctors claim matches that of a 45-year-old.

Ratelband feels as though his standing age limits his success, and that if he were 20 years younger, he would automatically be able to pick up more work and have better luck meeting women on Tinder. 

“I can take up more work. When I’m on Tinder and it says I’m 69, I don’t get an answer. When I’m 49, with the face I have, I will be in a luxurious position,” Ratelband said in an interview with The Guardian. 

He compares his issue with his own age to one issue a transgender person might face with sex. 

“Transgender people can now have their gender changed on their birth certificate, and in the same spirit there should be room for an age change,” Ratelband said.

Ratelband, you have truly outdone yourself; you’ve set a record-high for the modern-day “mid-life crisis,” understood by most to be a period in someone’s life when he or she acts on a whim to cling to their youth, such as buying a new car, dying their hair, or changing their style.

It doesn’t matter if it’s 2018 or how sensitive we have become, collectively as a society. 

A person can point to the sky and tell themselves that it is green because they feel like it’s green, but that person will still be wrong. 

You can attempt to identify as an attack-helicopter because you are in one of those “moods,” and that’s perfectly fine... but you aren’t one. 

And you most certainly cannot convince anyone that you are a 45-year-old man when you are nearly 70. 

There are several more underlying issues with this situation. 

The first  and foremost being that Ratelband is not indeed 25 years younger than he actually is. 

Furtheremore, the fact that Ratelband is as old as anyone’s grandpa and uses Tinder may also serve as concern. 

What’s even more odd, however, is the fact that Ratelband’s main motivation to drop his age is because he believes that a 45-year-old equivalent of himself will have an easier time on Tinder. 

He won’t.

The only thing stranger than a 49-year-old man on Tinder, is a 70-year-old man masquerading as a 49-year old man on Tinder, while lobbying on side for age-changing to become a legal privilege. 

Ratelband must wake up and realize that someone can dye their hair blue and convince people that they have blue hair only as long as the dye stays in, but eventually the color will wash out. 

On the other hand, say a person has always wanted a Ferrari LaFerrari, but is about 3 million short. 

Maybe they should hassle federal officials to make it legal to claim dollar bills as any number they want, since our currency is really only backed by trust anyway, and numbers are more of a fluid concept these days.